Confessions of a Pet Werewolf
by Remy-Luna
Summary: Companion piece to "The Pet" that I'm finally publishing. Please read "The Pet" first, this won't really make much sense unless you have. RLSB slash, of course. Remus's POV. We finally get to see what Remus was thinking when all that happened!
1. 1—1st year

**A/N:** Raise your hand if you thought I gave up on this and disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm really sorry it took so long for me to get this up. I've had 3.5 billion other things to do and not nearly enough time in which to do them, but I promised I would write this and I will. As I've said before, it won't be as long as the first one and probably not as good, but I hope you enjoy it just the same. And review! Please!

_September 2, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm not even sure I should be writing this. Animals don't write in journals. I don't even know where this book came from. It just...appeared here. All this stuff just appeared here. For a long time I didn't even touch anything. It scared me that this could even happen. I thought this was supposed to be my cage. But it doesn't look anything like a cage anymore. It looks like a nice living room or a library or something. Before there was just my cot and the chains that hold me to the wall, but the room is bigger now, fit for a human, not a werewolf. There's a really warm fireplace, bookcases with so many books, and a really nice rug with a sofa and a few armchairs. I'm sitting in one now, even though I'm not sure I should be. Animals aren't supposed to sit in chairs. Well...Sirius let me sit on the sofa in his room. And he said it was okay for me to use the human bathroom this morning. I don't understand why this room keeps making things for me. I don't need them. I hope it's okay that I'm using them. Like this journal. But I don't think it belongs to anyone. It's empty, anyway, and it opened for me. On the back cover it says it's enchanted so only it's owner can open it. I didn't think it would open when I tried it; I was just curious. Maybe the spell doesn't even apply to me because I'm a werewolf. Would someone else be able to open and read this if they found it? Maybe I should just stop._

_But I guess it doesn't really matter. Besides, I'm going to be in my cage all the time anyway. I don't know if anyone else can find this when we leave to go back to Sirius's house, but while I'm here I'll be able to keep an eye on it. I'll do it, I will keep writing._

_I didn't find this journal until today, but yesterday, my master and I arrived at Hogwarts. My master's name is Sirius and he is a wizard, so he's coming here to learn magic. I'm very excited for him. My father was a wizard, and my mother was a witch. I would have been a wizard, too, if I hadn't been bitten and become a werewolf. When I was very little, when I still lived with my parents, I'd been excited to learn magic, too. Then I got the bite and moved to the Containment Center and knew I would never be able to._

_I was able to come to Hogwarts, though! I never thought that would be possible, but it is! I'm here! Last night I ate in the Great Hall with all the real students. I can't go to classes or anything, of course, but it's exciting just to be here. I never thought it would be possible, I thought I'd spend the rest of my life in the Containment Center._

_When Sirius and his father first came and got me, at first I didn't really care. I saw them standing outside my cage, talking about me, but I didn't realize me life would be so different. I thought they would just put me in a different cage, somewhere else. A cage is a cage, whether it's in the Containment Center or anywhere else. And I do have a cage at Sirius's home, but he lets me out of it all the time._

_Sirius is the best master ever. He treats me...with respect, I guess. And affection. When I first found out they were buying me, I didn't care because I thought he'd treat me the same as the Containment Center workers. But he doesn't. He gives me food and chocolate, he talks to me, and he pets me. I love when he pets me. I was so surprised when he did it the very first day. I hadn't felt a touch like that since I lived with my parents. He reminds me of them, sort of, or what my life was like with them. It was so long ago and I was so little that I don't remember that much of it, but I know I was loved, and that changed after I was bitten. Now, with Sirius as my master, I sort of feel that again, almost. It's not the same as it was before, because of course you can't love a pet the same way you love a child. But it's still so much more than I ever got before he got me. I love Sirius so much. He's the kindest person I've ever met. I hope he's my master for the rest of my life._

–_Moony_

_September 5, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_Well, I understand now how you appeared. Professor Dumbledore came in last night and explained to Sirius and I that my cage, the Room of Requirement, gives the people in it whatever they ask for. So when I needed to use the bathroom, a bathroom came, and when I wished I had something to do, bookshelves appeared, and this journal. I still don't understand where everything came from, but I guess that's the way it is with magic._

_Tonight is the full moon. I can already feel it. But it shouldn't be as bad here as it was in the center. Of course, it's always painful for me, but I liked it better at Sirius's house, where I didn't have to hear the screaming and howling of everyone else. It will probably be the same here._

_I like it much better here than at the center even the rest of the month. I got nervous when Sirius took me to his common room—everyone stared at me, but I can understand why. It's still better than there. I get to leave my cage every single day, more than once a day. I get to eat food that's better than anything I've ever tasted. And Sirius talks to me. Even though today and yesterday were weekends and he could have spent the time with his new friends, he came to visit me for awhile. I don't understand why he treats me so well. He treats me better than I deserve. I'm so lucky that he chose me out of all the werewolves that were there. I'm the luckiest werewolf in the world to have Sirius as my master. I love him._

–_Moony_


	2. 2—1st year

**A/N:** Could you believe I wrote the whole thing in one weekend? I can't. Okay, it is very short compared to "The Pet," but it is finished, there are 13 chapters, and I will publish them 3 days apart and this time I actually can since they're already written. Enjoy.

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><p><em>September 6, 1971<em>

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius took me for a walk today! It was wonderful. I went outside when we were traveling to Hogwarts, and I appreciated it then (I'll never forget the view of the castle from the little boats on the lake), but this time was different because it was just Sirius and me, and no one was staring at me so I wasn't as nervous. The Hogwarts grounds are so beautiful, and so is the lake, and even the moon. It's so big. I don't understand how something so big and white and pretty can be so awful to...to make me into a monster. But I still had a wonderful time. I hope Sirius takes me for a walk again. He's so good to me. I love him. He wanted to go back to his common room after dinner, but he could tell I didn't really want to. I don't like his common room because of the way everyone looks at me. I mean, it doesn't matter what I want to do because I'm just an animal, but even though I'm just his pet, he actually cared what I wanted and took me for a walk instead. He's so great. I'll never understand why he's so considerate of me. I hope I'm being a good pet to him._

–_Moony_

_October 12, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_Sometimes I think Sirius is __too__ good to me. Today he said he'd ask Professor McGonagall to let me come to class with him, just because I expressed an interest in learning magic. I would love to be able to go to class with him and James and Peter and Lily and everyone, but it's not my place. I'm a werewolf. Why should it matter that I want to learn magic? I'm already allowed to read books every day, and that's more than I could ever have wished for. This room gives me all kinds of books, sometimes I think I could ask for any book in the world and it would be here. Usually I read about magic, but there are fiction books here, too. I even found the Tales of Beedle the Bard that my parents used to read to me when I was little, and read them all again just for fun._

_Isn't this enough? Aren't they treating me well enough by letting me sit on a comfortable chair and read all day? I don't deserve to go to class and learn magic with the students. I'm not a wizard. I guess it doesn't really matter that Sirius is asking permission, I'm sure they won't give it. They shouldn't, anyway. Even though...deep down...I kind of hope they do. I mean, it's silly to hope for because I know there's no way, but it would be so interesting to hear a class on magic and watch Sirius perform it under a teacher's instructions. When I'm in the common room, I see students practicing all the time, and I don't mind it so much now that they're more used to me and don't stare as much. But it would be even more interesting to see magic practiced in a classroom. I think I would be the luckiest werewolf in the world if I were allowed to sit in on classes. But I'm already the luckiest werewolf in the world. I'm Sirius's pet, and I love him so much that I smile every time he walks through the door. I love it when we're just sitting together and he pets me. I love the way it feels when he strokes my hair with his fingers. Another reason I would love to go to class would be because I would spend even more time with Sirius. I don't think the teachers will let me, and they probably shouldn't let me...but I wish they would._

–_Moony_

_October 27, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_I don't believe it, and I don't think Sirius does either. They said I could come to class. I was nervous, and I didn't believe it at first, I thought the teachers would change their minds when I got there, but I was allowed. I sat and I listened and I took notes...James laughed at me about that. He doesn't like schoolwork much. But he was friendly about it. Most of the Gryffindor first-years are nice to me. They obviously don't talk to me as much as Sirius does, since I'm his pet, but they do talk to me sometimes and are usually pretty kind. Not everyone is like that, though. Some students hate me. I understand objections to my being in a classroom—it is odd, after all—but there's no reason to be cruel. I'm glad most people are nice. Especially Sirius. He's nicest of all, and that's why I love him so much. He does so much for me. It's because of him that I'm allowed to sit and watch classes. It's only been one day, but I've already learned so much more from class than from just reading. I know I'll never use any of this information, but I don't care, and Sirius doesn't either. I can't wait until tomorrow._

–_Moony_

_November 11, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_You will never believe what happened today. I did magic! I didn't mean to, really, it was an accident. I was just trying to help Sirius practice. He was having trouble waving his wand the right way, so I just showed him. I didn't mean to actually do the spell. And I almost got in trouble for it. Sirius wanted to show everyone what I could do. He was so impressed by it and he wanted to show me off. I didn't really want to do the spell in front of everyone—I know I'm not supposed to do magic at all and I don't ever want to do it again because I'll get in trouble. But he asked me to and I...I just couldn't refuse. He's my master, and I have to do what he asks. And even if he wasn't my master, I don't think I could refuse him anything. I love him. If he asks me to do something, it makes me want to do it just because he wants it. So I agreed._

_Everyone was pretty impressed, but I got so scared when this girl said I was going to get in trouble for it. Sirius defended me. The Head Boy made the girl promise not to tell, so I really hope she doesn't. I don't know what will happen to me if I get caught doing magic. I'm sure I'll get taken away from Sirius, and I don't want that ever to happen. They might even execute me._

_That wouldn't have frightened me so much a year ago. I would almost have welcomed it. It's not that I wanted to die, I didn't, but I didn't care that I lived, either. My life didn't seem to have a point. But ever since Sirius got me, that's all changed. I'm __happy__, now, for the first time since I got bitten. I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, but I am. When I wake up in the morning, I'm excited about what the day will bring. I'm excited to see and talk to Sirius._

_It's all because of him. A year ago I would not have cared if they'd led me to die because I had no reason to live. But now I do, and it's because of Sirius. He is my reason for living._

–_Moony_


	3. 3—1st year

_November 13, 1971_

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius wants me to do magic again. Not in front of anyone this time, just in the privacy of my cage. I'm not sure why. In some ways, it's kind of exciting. He lets me use his wand, and I never knew that I could do so much, that all this magic was inside me even though I'm a werewolf. I was definitely excited when I got the spell we'd been working on._

_But at the same time, I know we shouldn't be doing it. It's against the law. Sirius made sure we won't get caught, though, and I trust Sirius. Even though he's only a first-year, he's already very good at magic, I can tell. He was smart enough to find a way to manipulate the Room of Requirement so no one will find out I'm doing magic. And if I'd tried to refuse, he might have left and gone to the common room instead, and I want him to stay here with me as much as possible. I mean, I don't mind being in here alone. Before I was allowed to go to class, that was all I did. And I like having time every day to write in this journal. But I like it more when Sirius is here. I love Sirius and I love it when he talks to me and pets me. Obviously he can't pet me when we're practicing magic, but he's still here. I'm going to agree again if he asks me to practice again, not only because it's fun to learn, but because I'll be able to be with Sirius more._

–_Moony_

_January 4, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm really glad to be back at Hogwarts. I think I might take this journal with me when Sirius and I go home for the summer. I've been spoiled here, grown accustomed to keeping busy during the day, and the holidays were almost like being in the Containment Center again, especially the first week. Sirius got in trouble with his family for being Sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin, so they punished him by not letting him see me all week. I don't think it was very fair. It wasn't Sirius's fault the Sorting Hat chose Gryffindor._

_The second week wasn't so bad though. I got to spend all day with Sirius almost every day. There were some days he had to go spend time with his family, which of course I understand, but other than that, we were always together. It almost made the first week worth it. Of course, I couldn't see him on my full moon night, though. I hate those months where there are two full moons! They don't happen often, but when they do, it's like double punishment._

_I thought about my family on Christmas. My old family. Sirius is my family now, but I remember Christmas with my parents when I was little. I wonder how they are. I wonder if they had any other children. I wonder if they still think about me. I wonder if they still love me._

_I'll never know any of it. Sirius is my only family now, and I'm sure he loves me, even if it's not as much as I love him. He was so happy to see me when his week of punishment was over, he hugged me. It made me feel so happy and special inside. Sirius always makes me feel happy and special inside._

–_Moony_

_March 30, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_Something must be wrong with me. I've been noticing Sirius more and more lately. I mean, I've always noticed him, of course, he's my master, and I'm always aware of him. But it's been...different. I find myself staring at him sometimes and can't look away. He's the most beautiful boy in all of Hogwarts, and sometimes I think I could just stare at him all day. And I've been wondering what it would be like to kiss him._

_Isn't that stupid? I see older students kiss in the corridors sometimes, or hold hands, but __I__ shouldn't be wanting to kiss anyone. They're all humans and I'm a werewolf. If I wanted to kiss anyone, shouldn't it be one of my own kind, another werewolf? I mean, I don't know any werewolves, I haven't seen any since I left the Containment Center, but why would I be having these feelings for Sirius? I know I love him; I've loved him since the first day I met him, when he first petted my hair and spoke kindly to me. But why should I want to kiss him?_

–_Moony_

_April 17, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_I had a dream about Sirius last night. I've had dreams about him before, but it's never been anything like this before. It was so vivid, I remember every detail. We kept moving, first we were in the Containment Center, and then his house, and then all different places around Hogwarts, but he was always standing in front of me. All I could think about was that I wanted to kiss him and hold him, and he was so beautiful. I woke up before I got to kiss him in the dream, but I've never felt such a wanting for anything in my life! And I don't know why._

–_Moony_

_April 23, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_I think I understand some things better now. I couldn't stop thinking about Sirius, even more than usual, and I wondered if there were any books that would help me understand what I'm feeling and why. I spent all weekend reading. The books are about human feelings, not werewolf feelings, but they must be similar because it makes more sense now._

_At first, I kept starting reading them and then stopping, because they talk about stuff that's so personal I can't believe anyone even wrote it down! But once I got up the courage to keep reading, I'm really glad someone did. I didn't know how people's bodies changed when you grow from a child into an adult. It's a really good thing I'm here and not at the Containment Center, because no one there would have explained it to me. I would have been too embarrassed to ask, anyway. The books all say to also talk to your parents about this stuff. If I was still living with them, I probably would talk to my dad about it, but since I'm not, there's no one to go to._

_The only thing the books don't explain is why I love Sirius when he's a human and I'm a werewolf, but I guess I can't expect an explanation for that. The books weren't meant for werewolves, anyway. And they mostly talk about feeling things for girls, but there was a section about if you're feeling them for a boy instead. I wonder if my being a werewolf has anything to do with why I love a boy and not a girl. But I think it's just because it's Sirius. If he had been a girl, I don't think I'd love him any less. I think I'd still want to kiss him and...well, the books also talked about some other stuff that people do together when their bodies start changing, but I think that's kind of weird. And that part only talked about boys and girls. If two boys love each other, do they want to just kiss, or do more? I wonder if there's a book on that._

_I suppose it doesn't really matter, though. Obviously I'm never going to actually kiss Sirius or do anything else with him. I'm a werewolf, and if his body is going through the same things mine is and he wants to kiss people, he'll just want to kiss humans and probably girls. He's never talked about it, though. Maybe it's not happening to him yet. The book says it's different for every person, and 12 is usually the youngest it starts happening for boys. I wonder if the average is different for werewolves. I guess I'll never know, and there are probably things that will happen to me that the books won't describe, or things in the books that won't happen to me because I'm a werewolf, but I'm still really glad there here. At least now I know, at least partly, why I love Sirius so much._

–_Moony_


	4. 4—Summer before 2nd year & 2nd year

**A/N: **Warning for slight mentions of sexuality. Not enough to warrant an M rating, I think, but enough that you should be aware. It's in the 4th entry of the chapter.

_August 12, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_I miss Sirius. His parents sent him to visit a "friend" (even though Sirius doesn't think of him as one) for two weeks. I haven't been apart from him since he got me, and it's weird not having him there. I mean, over Christmas we were separated for a week, but I knew he was still next door. He talked to me through the door sometimes, even though he couldn't hear me when I answered him. His father enchanted my cage so that any sound I make is blocked, so they don't have to put up with my noise on the full moon. I can still hear them, though, when they can't hear me. At least Sirius gave me a bunch of books to read. He's so thoughtful. I love him so much. The summer isn't nearly as exciting as school, but it's all right when he's here. A lot of times we just sit in his room and talk, or go for walks outside in his backyard. I'm not allowed anywhere but the backyard, so when Sirius and his brother go play anywhere else ,I have to stay home, but that's not a lot. And even though I don't get fed human food here, Sirius still sneaks me stuff all the time. He's too good to me. I hope the weeks go by fast._

–_Moony_

_August 25, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius walked in on me after a transformation today. It was the first time I saw him since he got back from the Rosiers', and he's never seen me right after a transformation before. He looked so shocked and upset about my little cuts. I love Sirius more than anything and he is the best owner in the whole entire world and I wouldn't trade him for anyone ever, but I don't really think he knows that much about werewolves. When he first got me, he didn't even know that I used to be human. And he didn't know that I hurt myself when it's the full moon._

_But it's not a big deal, really. I hate it every time, especially when there's a big injury that doesn't heal right away and adds another scar to my ugly body, but I'm used to it by now. And since I'm just an animal, what difference does it make how much pain I go through every month? Who cares about the suffering of an insignificant animal?_

_Sirius did, though. He said he was going to find a way to help me. There is no way to help me, of course, but I can't believe he even tries. Why does he care so much about making me happy? He's always been this way, and maybe that's part of why I love him so much. He always wants to make me happy and give me what I want. When he found out that chocolate was my favorite thing in the world (besides him), he gave me some of his chocolate. And he still does, all the time._

_I don't deserve someone as wonderful as Sirius._

–_Moony_

_October 21, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_I had a dream about him again. Actually I just did. It's the middle of the night and I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I should probably try to get back to sleep, but since it's the weekend it doesn't really matter._

_Have I mentioned that I love Sirius Black? I love him love him love him. Sirius Black Sirius Black Sirius Black. I hope I get to spend forever with him. Sometimes I wish I could kiss him but I'm so happy just being his pet and I know I'll never be anything more than his pet so I'm happy to be his pet forever. That's all I ever want. I love Sirius Black and I hope I'll be his pet until the day I die. And I hope that I'm really old when I die so I'll be Sirius's pet and live with him and see him every day and have him pet me for years and years. I love him._

–_Moony_

_December 18, 1972_

_Dear Journal,_

_Last night was the most wonderful night of my life. James snuck into Hogsmeade and brought some Butterbeer back for him and Peter and Sirius. They didn't get drunk, exactly, I don't think it's possible to get drunk on Butterbeer, but they were tipsy enough that Sirius forgot to take me back to my cage before curfew. I lost track of the time, too, I was watching them. They were so funny when they were drinking. And even after he realized it, Sirius still had too much to be able to sneak me back to the Room of Requirement. So he let me stay in the dorms with him. I actually slept in his bed with him. The other boys were laughing at us, but Sirius didn't care. There's nothing wrong with it, anyway. Even though I'm in love with him, I'm just his pet so obviously it didn't mean anything anyway. I'm an animal. Pets sleep in bed with their masters all the time. But it was wonderful. Actually, I didn't really sleep that well because I was so excited and nervous it took me forever to get to sleep. But he held me in bed. He sort of cuddled me. And he pet my hair the way I love. I think it's a good thing he was a little bit drunk. This is kind of embarrassing, but when he kept his arm around me and his body was so close to mine...it got me a little hard. It's a good thing he didn't notice, because I don't know what I would have said. That happens a lot when I have dreams about him, but usually I'm able to control it when I'm with him. But sleeping in bed with him was the best thing ever. Even though it could risk him noticing things like that I still wish I could sleep in his bed again and again._

–_Moony_

_January 1, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_We go back to Hogwarts tomorrow, but I almost don't want to. These past two weeks have been the best ever! Sirius has been letting me sleep in his bed every night. I feel so lucky. I love the way it feels when he puts his arm around me, I love how he strokes my hair until I fall asleep. I love him._

_At the same time, though, it is good that we're going back, even if I'll have to sleep in my cage again. Sirius doesn't like it here with his family. Honestly, I think having me there with him at night was a comfort to him as much as it was to me, even though he doesn't love me the same way I love him. He's having trouble with his family. He and his brother are growing apart. I feel so bad, I wish there was something I could do for him. As wonderful as the nights here have been for me, I could tell the days have been miserable for him. I know he's happier at Hogwarts where he has friends who care about him. His family doesn't seem to care about him that much. They only care about being pure-blood and being in Slytherin. I hope having me around makes Sirius feel better. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one left in that house who still loves him._

–_Moony_


	5. 5—2nd–3rd year

**A/N:** rated T for mentions of dirty dreams.

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><p><em>February 4, 1973<em>

_Dear Journal,_

_Why would Sirius do that? I don't understand. Last summer when he first found out how I hurt myself when I transform, he felt awful about it and wanted to find a way to help me. And the way he decided to help me is by learning a healing spell so that he came heal my injuries for me after I transform back. That's such a kind thing to do, but the way he decided to learn healing spells is by practicing on himself! He's been cutting himself so he could learn the healing spell to help me!_

_Why would he do that? Why would he injure himself just for an animal like me? I first noticed the cuts a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't want to ask. It's not my business. But even after a few weeks, they seemed to get worse instead of better, and I couldn't help myself. I know they're only small cuts, not serious injuries, but it's so unnecessary! I'm just an animal! There's no reason my master should have to cause himself pain just for me!_

_Sometimes I don't think Sirius really understands that I'm an animal. He treats me more like a friend than a pet. I love him so much, I wish he would see that he doesn't need to go through all this for me. I've told him he doesn't need to and I hope he listens. No human, especially Sirius, should have to hurt themselves just on my account._

–_Moony_

_May 19, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm glad Sirius seemed to give up on the healing spell thing. He'd have to get up and get to my cage really early after my transformations to heal my injuries anyway, and most of them heal by themselves. Besides, he's given me a reason to...almost...look forward to full moons. Isn't that ridiculous? I never thought I would look forward to a full moon. Well, it's not the full moon itself I look forward to—it's the day after._

_Sirius has been letting me sleep in his bed after the full moons. It was just like last winter when he was home for break. I love it. The day after the full moon has become my favorite day of the month._

_Sometimes I still worry that he might notice how much I love him when I'm there. It's hard to control my body around him when he's so close to me for so long. But he's never noticed yet. I think the fact that I'm usually facing away from him helps. Last night I had a dream about him, though, when I was in his bed. I dream about him all the time, but this was the first time it happened the night after a full moon. I think he slept through the whole thing, though, didn't notice anything. I...I took his wand and did a cleaning spell after I woke up. I know I shouldn't have, but he would have noticed if I hadn't! And he would never let me sleep with him again!_

_I bet he'd be disgusted if he knew how I really felt about him. He's a human and I'm just an animal! Animals aren't supposed to be in love with humans! I'm not supposed to feel this way about him! I'm not supposed to have those kinds of dreams about him! Dreams that make me..._

_I've been reading more. I mean, more...fiction that has nothing whatsoever to do with education. There are books with stories about men and women in love, but I wondered if there were any about men and men in love and...there are. Not as many. There were only a few and when I finished them, no more appeared...but I read them all. It took me awhile to get used to the things the books described. I slammed them shut and vowed never to open them again many times...but I always returned later. And I thought of myself and Sirius..._

_I shouldn't have. It's disgusting that I want that with Sirius. It would be one thing for me to want another werewolf, but Sirius is a human! Why am I in love with a human?_

_There's got to be something wrong with me, I know there has. I shouldn't enjoy spending nights with Sirius as much as I do. But I still look forward to it every month._

–_Moony_

_October 10, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_It really is no wonder I'm in love with Sirius. He's treated me better than anyone in the whole world has ever treated me. He treats me better than he should. He really, genuinely cares about my pain and suffering and wants to put a stop to it. Doesn't he see that it's worth it? I'm happy because I'm with him, I'm willing to pay my due every month if it means I get Sirius. I'd spend another five and a half years at the Containment Center if it meant I'd get to be with Sirius when I was through. He's worth it._

_Today in Transfiguration class, the students began learning about Animagi, people that can change at will into animals. I know a lot of the students were excited. I was—I'd read about Animagi before and I think it's a fascinating branch of magic. Anyway, Sirius pulled me aside after class and said I should become an Animagus because it might prevent me from transforming under the full moon every month. I told him I didn't think it would work, and when he asked McGonagall, she confirmed that it wouldn't work, but the fact that he even tried...I think I fall in love all over again every time he does something nice for me. I feel like he's always thinking about ways to try and make my life better. Even though there is nothing in the world that can prevent my pain every month, it touches me so much that he cares enough to try. He doesn't see that, despite what I go through every month, I'm still happy. Because he's in my life._

–_Moony_


	6. 6—3rd year

_November 26, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_The strangest thing happened today. Sirius and I were in the common room and I was listening to him plan pranks with James and Peter. They do it all the time, and they're really good at it. I love when I'm around to see the results of their pranks, they always make me laugh even though Sirius sometimes gets detention for it. I don't like when he gets detention because it means he can't spend the day with me, but sometimes I do appreciate the privacy so that I can read or write in this journal._

_Today they were all just planning a prank, and this little first-year girl walked over to us. She started yelling at Sirius and said I shouldn't be tied up because I'm not an animal! Isn't that ridiculous? I understand completely why she was in Gryffindor, it was very brave of her to speak out like that, but I think she should check her facts next time. I didn't even know that there were some people ignorant enough to think werewolves are human! She has no idea. She doesn't know what I become every month. As much as I hate hurting myself, especially on a bad night when I make another big scar, it's better that I do because it means I'm not hurting anyone else. My kind are savage beasts and we deserve to be locked up. I didn't care for my life while I was in the Containment Center, but I accepted it because I knew why it was necessary. If werewolves are allowed free, we'll just attack and hurt other innocent people._

_Maybe they should consider selling more of us as pets, though. I'm so much happier now, with Sirius, than I ever was there. I bet if some of the other werewolves got masters that they loved as much as I love Sirius, they would be happy, too. But it's also dangerous. All the adults in charge of me take care to ensure that I'm locked up for the full moon. Even though Sirius would never allow anything to happen, Professor McGonagall still opens my cage for me every full moon night, just to be safe. Maybe not all owners would be as responsible as them._

_And this girl wanted to take it too far. She said I should be set free. That's insane. I know that __I__ would take care to ensure my safety every month if I were set free, but if I were set free, it would only be fair that the other werewolves should be set free, too, and Merlin knows not all of them would be as responsible as I would. If they had, the werewolf who bit me would never have had the opportunity to do so. I would still be human. I would be a student at Hogwarts, possibly even in the same class with Sirius. I wonder if I still would have fallen in love with him. Would we have been friends?_

_If...I were human and fell in love with him...would he have fallen in love with me in return?_

–_Moony_

_December 12, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_Even though he knows I'm an animal, I think what that girl said bothered Sirius. Maybe he doesn't realize that he's already treating me better than I deserve, better than anyone has treated me since I became an animal. I guess he thought he wasn't doing enough, because he's started letting me off my leash. Not all the time. When we go down to eat, or when I go with them to class, or in the corridors, I'm still on a leash. But when we get back to my cage, or in the common room, he lets me off it. I'm not sure why. It feels strange, not having something on my wrist to hold me to the wall. If I wanted to, I think I could even try running away._

_But running away is the last thing I want in the world. If I run away, I won't be able to be with Sirius anymore, and I love him too much to leave him. Who will make sure I'm locked up for the full moon? The Ministry would, I suppose, if it managed to capture me before the full moon came. Then I would never threaten anyone again. I would cease to live. And Sirius would get in trouble for letting me go. I never want that to happen. I could never be as happy in any other life as I am with Sirius now. Running away wouldn't prevent me from transforming on the full moon and hurting myself. Nothing can prevent that. I have everything I've ever wanted. I have Sirius._

–_Moony_

_December 25, 1973_

_Dear Journal,_

_It turns out Sirius does have a family member that still loves him. His uncle. I just met him, he was even kind to me! He shook my hand almost as though I were a real human. He even says werewolves used to be considered human and treated kind of like humans. They were discriminated against, kind of like Muggle-borns are today, but they were still allowed to live free. I never knew that. Now I kind of understand why that girl claimed I should be human. She must come from a family who opposed the classification of werewolves as animals._

_I can't imagine what the world must have been like with my kind running free. I bet there must have been a lot more of us, if we were allowed to do what we pleased and not secure ourselves on full moons. I imagine most werewolves would, though. Right? Most people are decent, so most werewolves must have been, also, and kept themselves secure so they wouldn't hurt anyone. Was it just a select few that went around not caring who they bit?_

_It's better that the Ministry came to realize that we really are animals and made laws to keep us locked up. I wonder if they ever caught the werewolf who bit me. I hope they catch and lock up every werewolf in the world so that one day, there won't be any left and no innocent people will have to be attacked and turned into bloodthirsty animals!_

–_Moony_


	7. 7—3rd–4th year

_April 3, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_The most exciting thing happened to me today! I got to ride a broomstick! It was terrifying and Sirius had to really cajole me into agreeing to try it, but I'm glad I did. I've never felt such a thrill before, not in this way. I get excited when I get to lay in bed with Sirius, especially when he holds me, but that's just because I'm in love with him. This was different. This was...I can't find anything to compare it too. I was going so fast. The wind was rushing through my hair and I was racing and I knew I could fall off at any second and hurt myself, but I've never felt anything like it in my life. I felt...free._

_It was like nothing in the world mattered, except for me and the broom and Sirius, who was up there with me. I was so alive. I could forget my pain, forget who I was, and just focus on what my body was feeling as I flew through the air._

_Afterward, Sirius and I played around a bit. When we were walking back, he was playing with my hair. Not petting me, like he usually does, but messing up my hair. He was laughing and he's so beautiful when he laughs. He made me laugh, too, and I played with his hair without even thinking about it. It actually took me a moment to realize that I shouldn't be, that it's not my place to mess with his hair._

_Sirius said he didn't mind. I know he didn't. But it was still wrong. He is my master, not my friend. I don't know how I forgot that. It must never happen again._

_I did love the feeling of flying, though. I'm probably the only werewolf in the world who can say he's ridden on a broom._

–_Moony_

_July 9, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_This is the best summer ever! Sirius was able to trick his parents into coming to James's house to visit, and I'm allowed to tag along. It was really clever. Sirius's uncle Alphard told Sirius's parents that he wanted Sirius to visit him for two weeks. He even told them he did't mind taking me, too. And after they dropped us off at Alphard's, he took us to visit James. And Mr. and Mrs. Potter are so kind. They give me human food just like at Hogwarts, and they talk to me and everything. James and Sirius are best friends, but somehow I always feel included when they're together, even though I'm just Sirius's pet. I never feel like they don't want me there or anything. Today we played Quidditch (sort of) in a field by James's house, and tomorrow we're going swimming. I haven't been swimming since I lived with my parents. I'm so excited about it. And I haven't seen Sirius so happy during a vacation ever. I think Sirius must love me. He always wants me to be happy. And I know that because I love him, I always want him to be happy. I'm even happier when he is._

–_Moony_

_July 10, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_Today was a lot of fun, but I think something might be wrong with Sirius. When we went to the lake to swim and play, he...he kind of ignored me. He wouldn't look at me, and he was quieter than usual. I hope I didn't do anything wrong. I wonder if we'll go swimming again. I would have had a better time if Sirius was enjoying himself, and he didn't seem to be as much as he should have. I hope it wasn't because of me. I love him and he had so much fun for the past few days, I don't want anything to ruin his summer. Especially not because of me._

–_Moony_

_September 3, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_I hate myself. I'm a freak and I'm disgusting and they should just take me back to the Containment Center and lock me up forever and maybe even kill me._

_All right, I don't really want to die. If I died, I'd never see Sirius again, and I love him more than anything in the world and I never want to be apart from him. And that's exactly the problem. I wanted to die last night._

_It started out fine. Better than fine, actually. I got to sneak down to the kitchens with Sirius and James and Peter, and the house-elves gave us so much chocolate! It was wonderful. And on top of that, Sirius didn't take me back to my cage before curfew, so I got to sleep in bed with him._

_That's always my favorite. He always holds me and pets my hair until I fall asleep and it's the best part of the month and all I can think about is how much I love him._

_But last night...Peter made a comment that got Sirius really upset. He said we looked like poofs. When I read those books last year, I learned that that's a mean word to call boys that fancy other boys. Sirius got so angry and started screaming that we weren't like that. He called the idea sick. And he's completely right. Of course it's sick. I'm an __animal__! Animals don't have sex with people! It's disgusting! It's an abomination!_

_Sirius would never do anything like that. But I know deep down that no matter how perverted it is, I want to. I love Sirius. I want to hold him in my arms and kiss him and touch him and make his body feel things that he's never felt before._

_What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way for a human? I'm a freak! I should just die! Why is this happening to me? Why do I want Sirius so much I can hardly stand it when he's not even the same species as me? I know he's my master and I'm supposed to love him, but I'm not supposed to love him this way. I'm not supposed to want to kiss him and make love with him. I know I never will because Sirius would never be so sick as to want it, and I would die happy being nothing more than his pet. But why do I have these feelings? I wish I could talk to someone real who could explain it to me. But I know I never can._

–_Moony_


	8. 8—4th year

**A/N:** Hi. I've kind of had a ton of stuff going on, and the very last thing I've been keeping track of is how often to update this. So I'm just going to put all of the rest of it up tonight. I'm sure you're all very disappointed ;-)

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><p><em>September 21, 1974<em>

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius had a date today. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if he'd never bought me, if I'd been left to grow up in the Containment Center. I'd still grow into an adult, obviously, and I'd still go through puberty...but would I fall in love with anyone? Who would there be to fall in love with? I know there were a few other werewolves there close to my age, I've seen them around, but I never got a chance to speak to them. We could only speak to the werewolves in the cages next to us, or the ones who stood in line next to us when we bathed or went for exercise. The werewolves I was close to were all older than me. There wouldn't have been anyone to fall in love with. Would I have fallen in love if there had been? If the werewolf in the cage next to me had been around the same age and we'd gotten to know each other, could I have developed feelings for him or her? Would I have wished we were human so we could go out on a date, like Sirius did today? We wouldn't have been able to, obviously, no more than I can go out with Sirius. But would I have feelings for anyone else?_

_When Sirius came back, he said it wasn't as much fun as he thought it was. He looked disappointed. I felt bad. I've seen the girl in the corridors, and she is very beautiful, but she's not as beautiful as him. No one is as beautiful as Sirius. I wonder if he's in love with her the way I'm in love with him. I've never heard him talk about girls before. James talks about Lily Evans all the time. I'm certain he's in love with her the same way I'm in love with Sirius. Is Sirius in love with anyone? I wonder why he's never spoken about it. Maybe he just talks about those kinds of things to his human friends and not to me._

–_Moony_

_October 19, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius had another date today, this time with a different girl, but he wanted to bring me with for some reason. Their date was to watch the Quidditch match together, and Sirius always takes me along to Quidditch, but I was surprised he wanted to today. I know I'm just an animal, but I still don't think it would have been as private with me there. Even though I'm just as much an animal as...Lily Evans's cat, for example, I can hear and understand what people around me are saying. I think it would have been awkward if I'd gone along with them._

_At least he had a better time this time, though. I didn't really know the girl he went out with last time, but today he went out with Rhonda Vick, and I've seen her and even talked to her when I go to some of Sirius's classes. She's a nice girl and I like her. And she really likes Sirius, probably almost as much as I do. She's probably a good match for him. I think if they ever got married, she wouldn't mind keeping me._

_I've been thinking about that more. I know that Sirius is only 14 and it will probably be a long time before he wants to date anyone seriously enough to live with her, but with all the guys always talking about girls, I can't help wonder what will happen to me when Sirius does get married or move in with someone. I hope I'll still be his pet. But what if the woman doesn't like me? What if she doesn't want a werewolf pet? What will happen to me then? Especially if they have kids. I know that no matter where we live, Sirius will find a way to keep me safely locked up during the full moon, but if I were a woman with a baby I wouldn't want to take any chances. I know I would never forgive myself if I accidentally attacked someone, especially a child. I was lucky that I survived my own werewolf attack—I was only five or six when it happened. Lots of kids that little don't even survive the attack, or if they do, they don't survive their first transformation. I've seen them bring little kids into the Containment Center, kids that had just become werewolves. A lot of them were brought back out again after the next full moon. I'm so lucky I survived. Lucky I lived to be able to meet and live with Sirius. I hope I'll be his pet until the day I die. I hope whatever woman he does end up marrying is willing to let me._

–_Moony_

_November 13, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_I hope Sirius is happy. I think he is. He and Rhonda are going steady now. He must love her. He's been spending so much time with her. I kind of miss him. I mean, I still see him every day during class, and a lot of times he'll come and sit with me for awhile after he's been with Rhonda, but he isn't spending as much time with me as he used to. I understand it. She's his girlfriend. She's very lucky. I suppose, in some ways, it's a good thing I'm a werewolf. I've been in love with Sirius for a long time, but I've always known I could be nothing more than his pet. Humans don't have sex with animals. I never expected anything to happen between us. As much as I want it, I know it never will and I accept it. But if I hadn't been bitten, if I'd remained a human and come to Hogwarts just like a normal student...I might still have fallen in love with Sirius, and I might still have wanted him. And if I'd been human, I would have hoped that he felt the same way about boys that I did and hoped that he could fall in love with me back. Since he likes girls, that can't happen. He'd never be able to fall in love with me even if I was human, and I think it would hurt more, to see him with Rhonda. Since I don't expect anything from him, I never got my hopes up, so now they can't be crushed. For the first time in my life, I consider myself lucky to be a werewolf._

–_Moony_


	9. 9—4th year

**A/N:** Warning: Naughty werewolf thoughts in the first entry.

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><p><em>December 1, 1974<em>

_Dear Journal,_

_I think I caught Sirius having a dream last night. I've always worried that I might have a dream about him while we're sharing a bed and he'll find out. I know there's no way for him to know that I'm dreaming about him, but it still sometimes bothers me. Not enough to make me not want to sleep in his bed, though. But last night, he was the one dreaming. I don't think I've ever seen him have a sex dream before, but I'm sure that's what it was. I woke up and he was murmuring and moaning in his sleep and when I looked...it looked like he was hard. I've never seen him like that before. It was so sexy. It got me hard just from looking. He woke up at the end. I turned away and pretended I was asleep and hid myself from him. I heard him murmur, "Oh, fuck," and then he got up and ran to the bathroom. I didn't fall asleep, I knew what he was doing in there and I wanted so badly to do the same thing. I've been attracted to him for over 2 years but I've never ever wanted him as much as I wanted him last night. After he got back into bed and snuggled up close to me...knowing what he just did...it took all of my self-control to pretend to be asleep, not to touch him or touch myself. I probably could have come without even touching myself, if I'd allowed myself to. Even just writing about it is making me hard again. It's a good thing Sirius isn't here right now._

–_Moony_

_December 21, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_Last night I stayed in the common room and the dorms without Sirius for the first time. It was so strange, sleeping in a bed without him next to me. He was going to a Christmas party with Rhonda, and he wanted to take her to the Room of Requirement afterward, so they could..._

_He must really love her. And I think she loves him. I wonder if she loves him as much as I do, or more. I wonder if the fact that she's human makes her love him any differently than I do. Does the fact that I'm an animal prevent me from loving as deeply as humans do? It would make sense, but I don't feel that way. I love Sirius more than anything in the world. I would die for him. I want to spend as much time as possible with him. I want to see him every day until the day I die. I live for when he's holding me or petting me. He's my world._

_Does Rhonda feel the same way? Or does she feel...something stronger?_

_James and Peter were talking about Sirius last night. They talk to me, too, they didn't ignore me or anything, but since I'm just an animal, they were talking more to each other. We waited up for him pretty late, and he never came back. As we went to bed, they were saying that he might have gone all the way with her._

_I don't think he did—when he came back to the dorm this morning he said he didn't want to talk about it. I wonder why. I wonder what happened. Did she maybe not let him touch her? Does she not love him after all? Or does she maybe love him, but just isn't ready for him to touch her or make love to her? Or did they, but did it not go as well as Sirius wanted it to?_

_I'll probably never know. It isn't my place to ask, it isn't any of my business, and Sirius said he didn't want to talk about it. I just hope he's all right. She better not have broken his heart. If she would hurt him, she doesn't deserve him. He didn't say anything about it, not if they were broken up or still together, but either way I hope it works out. Sirius deserves to have a woman who loves him. He deserves to be happy._

–_Moony_

_December 22, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_I think something might be bothering Sirius, something to do with Rhonda. He does seem quieter than usual. It's the Christmas holidays now, so we're back at his house and sleeping in the same bed. He's at dinner with his family right now. Last night we talked a bit. We don't usually talk after we go to bed. Usually when we talk it's just during the day. When we go to bed, he just holds me and pets me. But last night we talked a bit. It was kind of weird, actually. We were lying in bed, facing each other. He was asking me if I liked sleeping in his bed._

_I can't really think of anything I like more._

_He's so kind. He wanted to make sure. I know that since he's my master I'll do whatever he asks, so even if I didn't enjoy sleeping in his bed I'd be content with it. But he wanted to make sure that was actually what I wanted. He cares about what I want, not just what he wants._

_All I wanted when we were talking last night was to kiss him. Our faces aren't usually that close together. Usually I'm facing away from him in bed, with his arm around me or petting my hair, but last night we were looking at each other and I just wished I could kiss him._

_It makes me feel happy, though, that he likes sleeping in the same bed as much as I do. I know he will never love me the way I love him, but obviously he loves me enough that he likes having me close to him. It makes me feel special. Even if he and Rhonda did make love the other night, I still have a special place in his heart._

–_Moony_


	10. 10—4th year & summer after 4th year

_December 22, 1974_

_Dear Journal,_

_Sirius caught me last night. I was sure I had a sex dream about him and I thought I came in my sleep, but when I woke up everything was fine, so I must not have. But Sirius woke up! He saw me! When he told me about it, I was so embarrassed I thought I would die. And then he even asked me if I was attracted to werewolves or people. Almost like he knew!_

_I've never felt worse in my life. Not only am I a sick freak who falls in love with people of a different species, now Sirius knows it. He said it was okay, though, but I know he was just trying to make me feel better. I don't know how he doesn't hate me. True, he doesn't know that the humans I'm attracted to are one specific human: him, but he comforted me and told me it was okay. I could tell he felt bad about bringing it up in the first place. I don't know why he did._

_Sirius told me that it was okay for me to be attracted to humans because it was their bodies I was attracted to. When it's not the full moon, my body looks the same as a human body, so it would be natural for me to be attracted to human bodies. All right, that makes sense, but I'm more than just attracted to Sirius. I'm in love with him mind body and soul. I think he's the most beautiful boy in the whole entire world, but I would still love him even if he were ugly. It's __him__ that I'm in love with, not just his body. I want __Sirius__. The human. I wonder why I feel this way when it's so wrong. I wonder if these unnatural feelings will ever go away. But then I look at Sirius...and I know they never will._

–_Moony_

_January 21, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I think Sirius worked out whatever problem he was having with Rhonda, if there even was one. It seems like they're still going out, anyway. Good. I'm happy that he's happy. As long as she treats him right, I think she's good for him._

_He hasn't been treating me any different at all, since he found out that I'm attracted to humans. I wonder why. I guess he really was able to convince himself that it's because human bodies look like untransformed werewolf bodies. I guess he doesn't know that my attraction goes all the way to in love. And I won't tell him unless he asks. I don't want him treating me differently. If he knew how I felt, there's no way he'd let me sleep with him anymore. I bet it would disgust him even to look at me. I hope Sirius never finds out how I feel about him._

–_Moony_

_February 7, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_It turns out Sirius and Rhonda broke up after all. Apparently they're just friends now. I wonder why they broke up. They still seem to really like each other. And neither of them seem upset about the breakup. Well, at least Sirius didn't get his heart broken. He's still been spending a lot of time away, though, like he used to when he and Rhonda were going out. Maybe he just spends more of it with James and Peter than with me. It's all right. He still finds time, usually every day, to work on homework with me. He still teaches me all the spells he learns in class. I wonder if he's going out with someone else and just hasn't told anyone. I would understand why he'd want to do that—James and Peter were always asking about Rhonda. Maybe if he's seeing someone else, he wants to keep it secret._

–_Moony_

_July 16, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_Today Sirius told me he's gay. I almost couldn't believe my ears. After he went out with girls and was Rhonda's boyfriend for so long, it turns out he likes boys instead of girls! He felt so bad about it, though. Apparently people consider it a bad thing, for boys to like other boys. I guess, when I think about it, men can't marry other men, only women. But the book I read that talked about those kinds of feelings...the section on having feelings for boys was short, but it didn't say it was wrong to have those kinds of feelings. It said it was normal. I guess not everyone feels that way, though. I would feel bad about it for myself, but loving someone of a different species is so bad that loving someone of the same sex can't really make it worse. He doesn't know I'm attracted to boys, too, though. He thinks I'm just attracted to human girls. I had an opportunity to correct him, but I didn't. He's smart—if he knew I liked human boys, he might be able to figure out that it means him. And it doesn't matter. Him being gay doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean he'd ever feel the same way about me. And he shouldn't. What I feel is wrong._

_He actually thought I might not want to share a bed with him anymore. Isn't that silly? Did he think that I would be scared of him now that I know he's gay? Scared of what? That he'd hit on me? Not only would he never do that, if he did, I would want it. He felt better after I told him it didn't matter._

_And I was able to ask him that thing that had been on my mind for awhile...what would happen to me when he met someone he wanted to commit his life to. He said I'm always going to be his pet! He said he wouldn't date someone who wouldn't accept me. That was such a relief to hear. I want to be his forever and ever._

–_Moony_


	11. 11—Summer before 5th year & 5th year

_July 26, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_We're visiting James again, like we did last summer. Today he and Sirius went to London for a day trip, to Diagon Alley. Sirius wanted me to come with._

_I don't understand why. What would he have done with me? People don't like werewolves. I might not have been allowed in the shops. And the very first day we came to Hogwarts, everyone was staring at us because they couldn't tell I was a werewolf. They thought Sirius had a human tied up. If he took me into town, he'd have to explain my situation to everyone, and most people probably wouldn't have wanted me there._

_Sirius said I could just come and walk free, pretend to be a human, but that would be a lie! I'm not a human and I shouldn't have strangers treat me like a human. I don't want to deceive anyone. I am what I am. And what if someone found out? We could both get into so much trouble. Sirius lets me loose all the time, but technically he's not supposed to. I don't know why the Potters allow it. They hardly even treat me like a werewolf, they treat me more like a friend of James._

_I know the full moon is still weeks away and I'm not dangerous until them, but that doesn't change me. It doesn't change the fact that I'm a werewolf and an animal. Why can't Sirius or the Potters understand that?_

–_Moony_

_October 21, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I know why Sirius has been spending more evenings away from me. He wasn't with James or Peter, or with a secret girlfriend or boyfriend. He was in an empty classroom, learning to become an Animagus._

_For me._

_For his pet, his animal. He spent hours of his time studying and practicing so he could learn how to turn into an animal so that he could help me on nights of the full moon._

_It worked. Last night was the full moon and when I woke up this morning, I wasn't even hurting for the first time I can remember. I didn't hurt last night, either, I know I didn't._

_All because of Sirius._

_I still can't believe what he did._

_Why?_

_Why go through all that trouble just for me? I'm not worth it! I would understand if he did it for James or Peter or his brother or a lover, but why for me? I'm nothing._

_But, somehow, he doesn't see me that way. He sees me as something. He hasn't treated me like an animal in ages. He's treating me more like a friend than anything else. I love him to death but I think we've grown too close. I think he's lost sight of what I really am. He lets me walk free, he lets me do magic, he offered to take me on a day trip and have everyone treat me like a human...and he devoted so much time and energy for no other reason than to keep me from suffering._

_Merlin I love him so much. But he needs to stop, and I need to help him. I need to help him see that all I can ever be is his pet, and it's time he started treating me like one._

–_Moony_

_October 30, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I think Sirius is upset. I feel terrible. It's not that I'm not grateful for what he did. Last month was the best transformation ever all because of him, and I'll never be able to repay him for it. But I think he was upset when I told him it was a bad idea for me to sleep in his bed. It's not that I didn't want to. I want it more than anything. I cherish the time I get to be close to him. But it's things like that that made him treat me differently. When he first got me, he pretty much treated me like an animal, and that was how it ought to have been. But over the years, we've grown closer. We're closer than pets and masters should be. I suppose that because Sirius has come to regard me as a friend, now that I'm trying to back away and revert to my role as his pet, he sees it as losing a friend. And I understand that. It's hard to lose a friend. But he doesn't see...I should never have been his friend in the first place. I'm just an animal._

–_Moony_

_November 8, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm dreaming. But I'm not. I'm weak. I can't believe it. I don't know where to start. And I only have a minute—Sirius is in the shower._

_Last night...Merlin, where do I begin?_

_We were studying. Okay, like we usually do. Sitting in the Room of Requirement and studying. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Sirius slams his book shut and says we need to talk. He starts confronting me about how I've been avoiding him recently, since I found out he became an Animagus for me. And I know I have—I've been doing it on purpose and I explained why. And then he started shouting that I'm a human!_

_He went on and on, listing all these reasons why I'm not an animal. I think he actually believes it. I think he actually believes that werewolves are human when we're not transformed. He said that just like he can change from a dog to a human and back, I'm only an animal on full moon nights, but a human all the rest of the time._

_I know in some ways, he could sort of have a point, except that I can't be a human! I know werewolves used to be classified as humans, but obviously Wizarding society has corrected itself. Everyone says we're animals—they can't all be wrong, can they?_

_But there's one more thing._

_Sirius is in love with me._

_I don't believe it, I'm almost scared to believe it, but it's true. He told me so last night, and more than that—he showed me. He kissed me. Merlin I'd never felt anything like it in my life. I love him so much. Part of me knew it was wrong because I'm an animal and as much as I love him I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. I've wanted it for so long and never in a million years thought it would happen but it did. He loves me. I will never understand how or why, but Sirius Black is in love with me. He thinks I'm a human. He's been calling me "Remus," my human name. No one's called me that in years, but he is. He doesn't see me as his pet anymore. He sees me as a person, as equal to him, as a partner._

_All I've ever wanted was his love and to share my love with him. I don't know how he can see me as a human when it can't possibly be so, but I can't refuse him. I love him too much. If he wants to call me Remus and tell me I'm a human, then I can't object. Because it means I get to feel his touch and his kiss and hear him say he loves me and that's a fantasy that I never thought would come true. I love that boy with everything I have and I cannot believe he feels the same way._

–_Moony_


	12. 12—5th year

_November 10, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_Can you die of happiness? I haven't had time to write up until now. I've been spending the past few days with Sirius pretty much every waking moment. He still insists I'm a human. He's told James and Peter so, he disintegrated my leash, and he's trying to get everyone to call me Remus. I still think he's wrong about me, but I don't care. If it means I get to be with him, be his...boyfriend...then he can say I'm whatever species he wants. All I want is to be with him, that's all I've ever wanted._

_I've moved into the dorms, permanently I guess. Sirius told James about us. I haven't worn my leash since Sirius destroyed it and although there have been objections by students, the teachers have sided with Sirius somehow._

_But they can't all think I'm human? That's impossible. I don't understand it. Maybe I never will. Maybe I shouldn't try. Maybe I should just be happy about what I have. I have Sirius. I have the love of my life and he loves me back._

–_Moony_

_November 19, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I didn't think it was possible to have a better transformation than I had last month, but Sirius found a way to give me one. Not only is he the best master ever—he's also the best boyfriend ever. I love him so much. I hope we'll be together forever. That's all I want in the world._

_But Sirius made a forest for me! He turned the Room of Requirement into a forest, and it was wonderful. Even though I never remember the entirety of full moon nights when I'm the wolf, I remember loving it and being so happy. My wolf self loves Sirius's dog form too, I can tell. He's a friend and playmate, and my wolf self has never had that before. I'm able to channel the aggressive energy into playing. It's rough play, I know, but Sirius said I didn't hurt him._

_What did I do to deserve that boy? He's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. I can't think of a way to possibly repay him for how happy he's made me feel, but one day I hope to Merlin that I can._

–_Moony_

_December 21, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I wish I'd had an opportunity to write sooner. I think it might have helped. I think I'm over the worst of it now, but oh Merlin I was never so scared in my life as I was last night. Well...maybe during my attack I was this scared, I guess I must have been, but I don't even remember anything about that. I think I must have blocked it out or something. I just remember them being in a hospital and taking me away and my mother screaming and I was crying because they wouldn't let me see her. That was terrifying, for sure._

_But last night...it's still fresh in my mind._

_We'd just arrived in King's Cross. Sirius's mother was glaring at me because I wasn't wearing my leash. I knew it was a bad idea. Sirius may not think I'm an animal anymore, but the rest of the world still does. And legally, Sirius's father still owns me. Which means, that, legally, he can do whatever he wants with me. Which...apparently...means he can kill me if he wants._

_I'm shaking just remembering it. I was able to use magic to stop it, even without a wand, I made a shield and the curse missed. But I was so frightened. I think I even wet myself and I didn't even realize it. And I think I was in shock, after. Sirius wanted to run away and we needed to jump down from his room to his front yard. It's sort of a blur but I was scared and I found it hard to move._

_We managed it, though. We're safe now, at James's house, and the Potters are letting us stay. Mrs. Potter even called me Remus like Sirius has been doing, since he told her._

_We're going back to London as soon as Sirius finishes washing up. Sirius needs to pick up a few things. I just hope everything is going to be okay. I've never been as happy as I've been with Sirius, and I know he loves me as much as I love him. I never want to lose him, and I hope he never has to lose me._

–_Moony_

_December 21, 1975_

_Dear Journal,_

_I know I've already written today, but that was early this morning, and now it's late at night, Sirius has already gone to bed._

_He can't be right, can he? Is is possible that I could be a human? Could all those wizards and witches who voted that werewolves be classified as animals...could they all be wrong? Is it true that I'm only an animal on full moon nights? Animagi are animals who can change back to human...is it possible for werewolves to be put in the same category?_

_I know I can't control myself when I'm a wolf like Sirius can when he's a dog, but for the rest of the month I can control myself. I can do everything humans can do._

_Today...when we went to Diagon Alley...Sirius took me into Ollivanders and bought me a wand. It chose me._

_Wands only choose witches and wizards. How could a wand choose me if I'm an animal? I know other creatures can use wands if they take them, but of all my reading, I've never heard of a wand that chose anyone that wasn't a witch or wizard. Werewolves that have wands usually only have them because they didn't become werewolves until after they bought their wands. The wands get taken away, of course, when they get put in the Containment Center, but...I never thought a wand could choose me._

_It did, though. I could feel it when I held it. I can see it, now. It's sitting on the table next to me. I could take it and do a spell. I almost want to. I shouldn't because it would be doubly illegal. Not only are werewolves not allowed to do magic—I'm also underage._

_My whole world is changing. First Sirius buys me, then he falls in love with me and tells me I'm a human. What if he's right?_

–_Moony_


	13. 13—5th year

_January 4, 1976_

_Dear Journal,_

_I almost didn't write this. I felt so peaceful after making love with Sirius that I almost just went to sleep. But I had to write._

_We returned to school tonight. I hadn't made love with Sirius since the holidays started and I'd been wanting him...but we made a stop before going to the Room of Requirement. We met with Dumbledore. Sirius asked if I could enroll as a student here and take my OWLs with the rest of the class. Dumbledore said I could! I don't know how it's going to work, since the Ministry still considers me an animal, but I guess they will find a way to make it work. Dumbledore is the greatest wizard alive anyway, so I suppose if anyone can trick the Ministry into thinking I'm just another student, he can. I do have a wand now. I even got Sorted. I get to be in Gryffindor, with Sirius and Peter and James._

_Sirius and I ran into his brother on the way back to the Room of Requirement. He said he's going to report us to their father. I don't know what's going to happen._

_I burned the parchment that proved that Sirius's father owns me. Does that mean he can't do anything about it? The Ministry would still have that on record, though, I'm sure._

_I don't know._

_Ever since Sirius bought me my wand it's been hard to think about anything else except my...humanity. At first I thought no one considered werewolves human, but I guess I was wrong. Sirius thinks so, and Dumbledore, and the Potters, even James. Sirius's uncle saw me as human, and there was that girl that defended me once. Lily seemed to accept it, too. Sirius had me read an article in a magazine, and the man who wrote that argued that werewolves are human. So, I guess if all those people believe it, there must be more. Maybe the majority isn't as big as I thought._

_Maybe...the only reason most people see werewolves as animals...is because they've been told their whole lives that they are animals. I've been called an animal since I got bitten, and that was ten years ago. I was just a little kid, I was trained to believe what adults told me. It didn't occur to me that they might be wrong. But...why can't they be?_

_I don't __feel__ like an animal. I feel like a teenage boy who's head over heels in love with another teenage boy. I love to read, I'm interested in learning, I'm decent at magic, I like flying even though it makes me scream. I love to laugh and I love chocolate and I love Sirius. I don't really act like an animal, do I? And the only reason I ever did was because I thought that was how I was supposed to act._

_But animals don't act like animals because they think they're supposed to. Animals do whatever they want. Animals don't care what people think, they don't act a certain way just to please anybody. They can be trained to obey commands, but that's not the same thing._

_I may be a werewolf, but there's more to me than that. There's also me. I think Sirius was able to see that. That's why he fell in love with me. He didn't fall in love with the werewolf, he fell in love with the boy he saw inside, the boy I really am. And I love him for it._

–_Remus_


End file.
